Naginata

Stealth

I just got done watching Stealth, the latest heap of special effects crap that Hollywood has thrown our way.

I now present my spoiler-free review of Stealth. You probably won't get it, but I'm going to indulge myself.

Elliot Gonzalas von Goldman never really had much. Born in a poor part of Springfield, Mexico, his childhood was a rough and tumble one. He'd been in trouble with the law once or twice, like most of the young men in his town, but generally was a good boy. All he ever really wanted was to go to America. His mother, Marie, worked two jobs, and never really gave him a good birthday, but when Elliot turned 16, well, she decided that this was the year. She saved and she saved, and finally saved up enough money to buy Elliot a great present.

Well, February 31st rolled around, and Elliot came in to the kitchen to see a big box on the table, wrapped up in golden paper with a big red bow on top. His mother had already gone to her first job, but Elliot couldn't wait to see what was inside. He tore off the bow and the paper to reveal a little statue. His mother had bought him a statue of his favorite sports hero and pornographer, Larry Flynt, winning the decathalon in the 2013 olympics in Pyongyang, striking a dramatic pose, as if he was just crossing the finish line, one foot thrown up triumphantly behind him. Enscribed on the base was Larry's record-breaking time: 37 seconds in the 200 yard dash.

"Wow", thought Elliot, "What a great present. I will put it in my window so that everyone who walks past my house will see what a great mother I have and not steal it.

When he got to the window, he put the statue down on the sill, and then went back to the kitchen to make himself some breakfast. While he was cooking his eggs, an evil terrorist from Kraplachistan crept up to the window. Seeing the trophy, he was struck with the beauty of the work, and inspired by Larry Flynt's heroic example. He decided that being a suicide bomber wasn't the way to go. He resolved to stop plotting the death of innocent people and devote himself to a life of peace.

Going back to his terrorist headquarters, he strapped a bomb to himself, and with one mighty shout of "Allahu Ackbar!" he blew himself up in the middle of a group of his comrades.

Unfortunately, the force of the explosion threw some rubble through the window, and a piece hit the statue, knocking it to the floor and breaking it into a hundred pieces. Elliot ran back into the room and wept over the pieces.

"Oh no", he thought, "I must fix it before mama gets home, so that she won't know I let it get wrecked!"

So Elliot ran down to the statuesmith, who promised he could fix it in just one hour. So Elliot paced and paced outside the door of the statuesmithery, and after an hour and 15 minutes, the statuesmith came out and gave the statue back to Elliot. It was still in shambles, but the statuesmith had coated it with a thin layer of the most beautiful, shiny metal that Elliot had ever seen. A rainbow of color burst forth from every point of contrast in Elliot's reflection, drawing his imagination into the pile of Larry Flynt.

Elliot thanked the statuesmith, and took his pile of Larry Flynt home. Setting it on the kitchen table, he decided to follow Larry's bold, athletic example, and escape to America.

He was never heard from again. Then his mother sent a bounty hunter after him, and put a five million peso reward on his head, dead or alive.

They say Elliot reached America, and when he got there, Edward "Aquaman" Kennedy was waiting on the border. Seeing Elliot coming toward him, he yelled out "Hey! What took you so long?"

....

That's pretty much everything you need to know about Stealth. Don't go see it unless someone pays you to take a ticket, and even then, only if your only other choice for how to spend your time is cleaning latrines.

Breaking News

I have always been against a Dick Cheney presidental run. I have immense respect for Mr. Cheney, and think he's a good and capable administrator and vice president... but I have reservations about him as the chief executive. Here's some of my reasons:

• Questionable Health
• Bushesque stance on social issues
• I'm tired of hearing about Haliburton
• Possible Outsider hit dice
• Media will come up with another catchy nickname including the word "Dick". Frankly, I think one president "Tricky Dick" was enough. Insert your own Bill Clinton, Deep Throat, Richard Nixon, or Washington Monument joke here.

But now, my sources tell me that Helen Thomas has said she'll kill herself if Cheney announces his candidacy.

Mr. Vice President, for the good of the Nation and indeed the world, I implore you, please, announce your candidacy at the soonest possible opportunity. The sooner the better. You have to understand, I won't be voting for you, but I think that your vision, your wisdom, and your intense force of personality will bring new life to the 2008 primaries. Please, throw your hat in the ring. America cannot afford to wait.

Something Awful

BEST SOMETHING AWFUL THREAD EVER

Edit: of course, it's not fark.

Safety Notice

From LGF

Uphill both ways

I like to jog. I'm not real fast (2.5 miles is my usual run, I aim for 25 minutes), but I enjoy it, and that's what counts. My heartrate while doing it has started to come down, and...

Hmm, I have a training blog for stuff like that. I'll get to the meat:

I was running up the big hill last night about 12 minutes in, and this terrible headwind started up. Like, debris large and small was flying at me. I had to squint to avoid the dust, tree bits, dirt, very small rocks, ONE AIRBORNE PEPSI CAN, and various other things.

I turn the corner at the top of the big hill, and the wind shifted 90 degrees. So here comes another headwind for 7 minutes. I get to the bottom of the hill, and the wind shifted again, to about 60 degrees off of a headwind.

The point is, the weather was against me. I perservered... the lap tok me 26:58, but considering the conditions, I'm ok with it. At least, when I finished the run, I felt like I had bested a mighty foe.

The latest from LGF

Apparently there's some nutjob out there who thinks that the president shouldn't exercise. This idiot not only thinks the president's obesssion with exercise is disturbing, he also asserts that physical health and mental health are completely unrelated.

From LGF

And I agree with Tammy Bruce: I'd rather the president be obsessed with exercise than with big macs and a certain intern.

Homeschooling is Bad

Homeschooling is bad, according to this person.

Of course, if they have an article on NEA.org, they must be a PhD in education, a teacher's teacher, right?

Or maybe the principal, or assistant principal of a high school?

Perhaps a teacher with a long and respected career in many diverse subjects and classroom environments?

Nope, it's a janitor. Ask yourself, parents, who knows better what's right for your child, you, or a janitor?

Forums

Quick note for all you Underguild people who read this (I think that's 2 of you)...

Yes, the forums are down. No, we don't know what's going on. Please spread that around, and refer people to the newspage or this page for updates.

On Database Keys and Indexing:

Look, I am an evangelist for non-semantic keys. Non-semantic keys are your past, present, and future. Non-semantic keys will empower your life, give you financial success, increase your breast, penis, and house size, and make all your dreams come true. They have zero calories, and yet more flavor than semantic keys. Non-semantic keys can see the future. Non-semantic keys extend life and expand conciousness. Non-semantic keys put the bomp in the bomp shoo bamp ba lomp. Non-semantic keys go wild and bare it all on spring break. Non-semantic keys wrote the book of love. Non-semantic keys contain a powerful antioxidant substance which decreases your chances of getting cancer, heart disease, ulcers, muscular distrophy, and pregnant. Unless you want to get pregnant, in which case non-semantic keys are a powerful chinese aphrodisiac, used for centuries to increase fertility and sexual potency. Non-semantic keys were the second, third, and fifth gunmen on the grassy knoll. Non-semantic keys carried the Apollo 11 to the moon. The reason Apollo 13 failed? Someone slipped a semantic key in there. Non-semantic keys provide a completely mellow high, with no paranoia. Non-semantic keys always roll natural 20s. Non-semantic keys cannot be killed by conventional weapons. Non-semantic keys are icy to dull the pain, and hot to relax it away. Non-semantic keys have a rich, chocolate exterior and a cool, creamy center. Non-semantic keys will remove grass, wine, dirt, pet, and dooky stains from most fabrics. What's the sound of one hand clapping? Non-semantic keys. Confucius say "The wise man uses non-semantic keys, and never carries his cell phone while drinking". Non-semantic keys are Lance Armstrong's secret weapon. Knock Knock? Who's there? Non-semantic keys. It is by my non-semantic keys alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the structure of B+Trees that queries acquire speed, that tables acquire indicies, the indicies become a warning. It is by non-semantic keys alone I set my mind in motion. You know who doesn't like non-semantic keys? Communists. Non-semantic keys use the metric system. Non-semantic keys are availble now for a special price, but only to the next 30 callers. Non-semantic keys are power-packed with over 35 grams of protein. Non-semantic keys are cooler than the other side of the pillow. Non-semantic　keys はとても素敵です。Non-semantic keys provide powerful protection against odor that works as hard as you do.

... that's just how I feel about it.

Hot Summer Days

So I got to the office today around 8:30, and it was at least 80 degrees in the reception area, and hotter as you went back.

This is an office where the temperature varies as much as 8-10 degrees, depending on if you're on the sun side or the shadow side of the building at a given time.

Anyway, the AC is out, so they told people if you can telecommute, go telecommute. The only problem is that because of the heat, various servers (database, website, email) are down or bouncing. So... it's challenging. Fortunately the CVS server is offsite, so there's things I can do, but it's still sort of odd.

... I blame Ralph Nader.

400

I've been debating what sort of a post would be most appropriate for number 400. I wanted to do something special, something to express the great love I have for all of you, my gentle readers.

Then I realized that in trying to do something special, something above and beyond the call of duty, I was short-changing all of you. You don't come here to read the "00" posts, in all their glory, but rather to read the mundane, day to day crap that I fling against this wall as often as I feel the need.

And so, without further adieu, enjoy a perfectly normal post. Happy 400 everyone!

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Pat Sajak says what I'm thinking

A wiki for my (and some other) D and D campaigns. It's a work in progress. I find that this leads to much more thinking-through the setting, and while frustrating, actual "game prep" is much faster once the "world prep" is well thought out. Someday I'll write a novel based ont hat world. There, I said it. In the deep, dark places of my mind, I fancy myself a creative writer.

Tax revenues are up. Way up. Looks like you stupid liberals were wrong AGAIN. Also, if you're about to post a comment about false-causality, or about how offended you are that I called you stupid... well, hey, I don't want to stop you, I'm just saying, I'm ready for it.

So in a discussion lately about the G8 protests, one of my dear, intelligent liberal friends said that discussing the property destruction that a few of the protesters engaged in, isn't fair to the spirit of the protests, because that group is a tiny, tiny minority. Fair enough. Now next time abortion is discussed, no one is allowed to mention the murder of abortion doctors in any context.

Seriously, go read that Pat Sajak thing. Right now.

Also, if you're a regular reader, comment to this post. For the 400, I'd just like to get a headcount :)

The Real Bill of Rights

Why not change the language to reflect what's already, or very nearly, true?

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, and no employee of any government shall do anything to acknowledge the existence of any religion whatsoever. Unless it's the peaceful, tolerant, religion of Islam, which has a rich scientific and artistic heritage; or abridging the freedom of speech, unless that speech is political, or may be offensive to any group that does not include conservatives and white, christian males, or of the press, unless the said action by the press could be considered political or offensive; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated Suntan, being necessary to the beauty of a free People, the right of the people to bare arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized, unless the cops just really, REALLY want to see what's going on in there, or they think maybe someone might be drinking on their property, or the information is available as data from another source, in which case, it's open season.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation, unless potential tax revenue at stake, in which case, kiss your land goodbye and say hello to "blighted property values-ville".

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him, unless the witness is accusing him of a sexual offense, especially if the accused is an athlete, and God help him if he's a black man; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. All prisoners shall be provided with a full weight room, basic cable, and the opportunity to convert to Islam.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. Additionally, if the rights so enumerated come in conflict with the goals and purposes of the State, those rights shall be suspended until such time as it is appropriate to re-grant them.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people, until the United States changes its mind.

Cinco de Mayo

Happy 4th of July everyone.

For those of you who aren't "hip" to the inside joke, one of my hobbies is convincing people that Cinco de Mayo is Mexican for the 4th of July. For those that are clever enough to realize that Cinco comes in May, I point out that Mexico is still on the Julian calendar, but we're on the Gregorian.

Anyhoo, enough about my hobbies, let's get down to business. I've been away at a conference for about a week, and it was mighty interesting. Aside from taking one guy to the hospital for possible heart troubles (I think it was just dehydration and travel shock m'self), it was fairly laid back.

Stopping over in detroit on the way back to see the better third, I learned that the FAA will not let you stop over with your luggage intact. So my luggage spent the weekend in DC with a big ol "pax did not arrive??" paper attached.

The good news is, no waiting at the baggage claim. So it all worked out.

Also, I learned of the mighty distate that at least one of the better third's roommates has for me, which is really too bad, but I'll survive. You'll note that, for the most part, I'm avoiding directly discussing the time spent with ash, and this is for two reasons: 1) I'll make myself sad and 2) it's private.

So, on that note, pour out a shot of whiskey to honor the death of the love of liberty and have yourself a happy fourth.

Edit: for the record, Bowling Green Ohio has a bitchin arcade. DDR 8th mix, DDR 3rd mix, para para paradise, some other crappy bemani, and also 'in the groove', which needs to be purchased ASAP by yours truly.