Naginata

Ironman

Remember the Timex Ironman watch? It turns out that it still exists, and costs 30 dollars. That's about what I remember the price being from the two I had previously, and it is quite possibly the world's most perfect watch, from a functional standpoint.

Now, that being said, on my lunch today I went to the maul to get a watch, hell-bent on having artifact in my hands today, because I badly need a stopwatch.

Bad day for instant gratification. I ended up getting a 20 dollar casio with a stopwatch, but 1 split and no laptimers. Your options at the watch store in the maul are the 20 dollar chrono, the same 20 dollar chrono for 30 dollars, or a 60 dollar thing with 1 timer and a 60 lap memory.

...

Looked around online a little, now you can get an ironman tied to a chest strap and gps device for distance tracking. L33t, but way more than I want to spend, especially since I have a nice looking normal watch, and now a wrist stopwatch.

Update: wow. That's a watch and a half, and then another half.

Me love you long time

So, 7 years ago yesterday, something something, and then some other things, and so on and so forth, until the thing, but then the other thing, so now it's ok.

Something like that. It's important to note that yesterday was important (for reasons other than the resurrection of Jesus, though that should rank up there, I'd think), even if I don't note WHY.

Why would I hide that information? Because I'm bad at talk-making! You'll just have to guess!

Therapists for $200

Spent a few hours doing my taxes today, and was pissed off, so I decided to go down to the ol park for a little workout.

Threw on shorts and a pullover windbreaker, grabbed a deck of cards (more on that later), and ran off. The plan was simple: intervals (jog/sprint) to the park, run through as much of the deck as I could stand, light intervals (walk/run) back.

Everything was going fine, until I got to the picnic pavillion where I do the actual working.

See, the deck of cards workout (also the "Gotch Bible") works like this: You assign each suite an exercise. For me it was:
Diamonds: Hindu Pushups
Spades: Squats
Clubs: Wall Walks
Hearts: V-Ups

Anyway, I jog up to the pavillion, and this woman is walking by with her dogs. The pavillion is pretty much completely surrounded by trees, in a pretty big park plot, so there was no one around. I pull out the deck and starts shuffling, and she, seeing this, pulled in her dogs and started shuffling away. The look on her face can only be described as abject terror. I got the impulse to wave hands and yell "Hey! I'm not a rapist!", but I decided that wasn't such a good idea.

So I just started into the workout immediately hoping she'd get the idea of what I was doing with the cards there. She did, and the expression changed from terror to befuddlement, and then amusement.

Also, I could only get through 12 cards before I packed it in. Lots of room for improvement before I run out of cards!

Judicial Nonsense

More Schiavo Schtuff.

Let me make this clear: I am absolutely convinced that the Congress of the United States of America overstepped its bounds, and abused its powers when it issued the Terri Schiavo Law. I've heard arguments on both sides of the constitutionality question, and I'm ready to hear more, because I haven't made up my mind on that issue yet.

That being said, there IS a beating human heart at stake here, and the judges involved in the case should act accordingly. They are not.

Let me make another thing clear - I am not reversing my position on this issue. Look back a few posts because I'm too lazy to link, and you'll see what that position was and is. What I am saying is that, regardless of whether or not they overstepped the bounds of their power, the US Congress issued a mandate, and made it possible for all the evidence in the case to be re-heard.

Now one judge, in the face of that mandate has said, essentially, "I don't need to look at this evidence, some other courts have already done that. Let her keep starving, and I'll just pass this up the chain."

He absolutely, considering the law congress and the president pushed through, should have ordered the feeding tube re-inserted while the facts are being considered again. I honestly hope, deep down, that the verdict is unchanged in the end, for Terri's sake, but I can't let that cloud my judgement where the actions of this court are concerned.

Yes, even though I disagree with the actions of the congress, the judge should have respected THEIR wishes, and re-inserted the feeding tube while the evidence AND the legality of the congressional mandate are considered. It would be a shame if a human heart stopped beating while we argue over legal points, whatever the outcome.

I know I'm repeating myself, it's because I'm stream-of-consciousness-ing this one, and I'm in a hurry.

Predictions

Two predictions:

My categories will remain basically useless, but no one will care.

Someday soon we'll see a saturday morning cartoon called "Little Emeril", which will feature a much younger, pint-sized Emeril Lagasse using clever tricks and his kitchen skills to fight evil forces. The evil forces will often wear suits. Each of Little Emeril's victories will be punctuated by "bam!"

There are days...

I really dislike the Republicans right now.

WARNING: This post will probably piss you off.

So it looks like they're going to subpoena Terri Schiavo. They're going to launch an investigation into the treatment of people who are disabled, and want to subpoena her. The motive here is that federal law makes it very illegal to interfere with anyone who has been subpoenaed to appear before the congress. This federal law will overrule the decisions made in the state of Florida.

How can a party that's on the warpath about activist judges, and judicial interference with the law, pull something like this - overrule some state judges interpretation of the facts and the law in order to do what they want? If you want people to respect the judicial system, you have to, you know, respect the judicial system.

This woman is NOT in a coma, she does NOT have some brain damage, she is brain dead. She is in a persistant vegetative state. Everything we know about science says that she will never, not ever, wake up. Her husband is following through on her wishes. He has turned down offers of money to relinquish his rights as a husband, because he is doing what Terri wants him to do.

That the congress is getting involved in this pushes my states rights buttons, my judicial system buttons, my hypocrisy button... look, almost every political button that I have is pushed by this case. The Republicans are making me absolutely ill right now.

Tableau

I found a tablet PC on the way home yesteday.

A toshiba. Sitting on the widewalk. I kicked it, then opened it facing away from me, then dropped the battery out before inspecting it. It is very broken.

But what a funny thing to find.

Frightening Dream

I had a very, very strange dream last night, much of which I don't remember...

But I was on my way home fromwork when the aliens attacked, and my apartment, which was somehow on a coast, was in danger of sinking into the ocean. So I called bourbon, and iver, and a few other people, and we agreed that we were going to meet at bourbon's fortress in the mountains, which was in the mountains, and had guns and ammunition to defend ourselves from the ammo.

The first thing the aliens did was take out the bridges out of the town, so I had to take the train out. So I'm racing around the apartment, gathering things I thought I would need, and then the guys called from bourbon's mountain fortress and said there's a few things I should bring.

So I'm filling up 2 shopping bags with supplies - one with DnD books, poker chips, and cards of the hoyle and magic variety. The other bag I'm filling with non-perishible foodstuffs. I mean, come on, we were going to be stuck up there in the fortress for some unknown amount of time, and we don't want to get hungry OR bored.

Then I see an alien standing outside the apartment - which was in the process of falling into the bay - tapping on the glass. So I went under my bed, and got my wakizashi, and tied it to my belt. I was done gathering supplies, so I grab both bags in my left hand, put my right on the hilt of the sword, and walk out of the apartment.

In the lobby of the apartment (which was tited about 25 degrees because of the sinking), there's an alien getting a manicure from my roommate. The roommate looks at me and says "hey, if you can't beat em, join em". Then the alien gestures toward its right foot using its left foot.

Well, I'm a 6'3" guy with a sword and a bag full of Dungeons and Dragons books, so like hell am I giving some nasty ass alien a pedicure.

And thus began a hack-and-slash adventure across the mean streets of TownMyBrainMadeUp. It was amazing. Also, I discovered that my PHB can block AlienProjectiles. At the end of the thing, I had the bags of books and food tied to my back, the sword in one hand, and my PHB in the other, using the book to bounce their fire back at them, like some sort of lightsaber gone horribly wrong. I made it to the train station just in time to watch the train speed away, and was soon surrounded by aliens.

That's when Bourbon, Iver and Syfe showed up in their attack helicopter, which was apparently hidden at the mountain fortress.

That's pretty much all I remember. I'm pretty sure we ended up saving the world in some sort of DnD battle royale, with the most powerful NPCs from our campaigns vs the most powerful NPCs from the alien leader's campaign.

The moral of the story is that Icon and Whatisname with the Khan Staff are a fearsome twosome.

Edit: I remembered a few details. I'll add more if I remember.
I want to point out that there's a BIG time gap between the rescue at the train station and the final battle.

At one point, we may have made a suit of armor out of PHB pages, because they stopped the alien projectiles.

The attack helicopter, was almost identical to the one from Airwolf.

Sadness

The better third isn't meeting me for lunch this week. This makes me sad :(

Reading

Shadow of the Giant by Orson Scott Card, is a very good book.

That's about all I can say without giving away spoilers... and I'm not done with it yet, so no spoilers in the comments. All I'm saying is this - Bean is awesome.

On Proper Language

It occurs to me that, when my friends and I are speaking, either in person or via the interwebs, we have a unique language. I'm not talking about words like "L33t" or "n00b" or "r33t", though those do get used from time to time for comedic effect...

No, I'm talking about our own over-the-top expressions, which probably frighten and scare people. I dare say that if your average AARP member heard me talking to zach or bourbon for 5 minutes, they'd probably have a heart attack... which is just one of the benefits.

Here's some examples, and I'll add more as it becomes appropriate

What we mean
what you hear

Your decision, while possibly good for you, is bad for me
My hatred for you burns with the fires of a thousand suns

I have a new watch, isn't it nice?
Behold my new timekeeping contraption! It is handcrafted from brilliance, wound tight with imagination, and gilded in the dreams of a thousand dying civilizations!

That girl is attractive.
Beep.

That woman just talked down to you, she clearly doesn't respect you.
Take her water, you have to take her water.

This conversation is becoming uncomfortable for me, and I wish to change topics.
Let's go ride bikes!

Hmm, I see you've ordered the same beverage as me. How interesting.
Get out of my mind!

Scarred

I realized just now (again) that my time with EvilCorp has left me scarred. Whenever I do something not directly related to work (say... this), I'm looking over my shoulder, even though I know that no one in the office really cares. Whenever my boss wants to talk to me, I assume I'm about to get demoted or reprimanded or possibly even called a whore and told I'm going to hell.

Side note: (re-added because RedBrandon said so) When BraunPresident implied that I was, in fact, going to hell, what I wanted to say but couldn't is (Warning: very politically incorrect) "I guess you're safe from going to hell, I doubt the boatman on the river styx has had time to install a wheelchair ramp."

Anyway, just now my boss came in to the room to tell OfficeMate that she wants to see him for a little bit around 2. My first response, of course, was "damn, OfficeMate is getting fired".

Which is preposterous, considering his position and past contributions to the organization. I've just been left jittery and nervous. What I need is tenure or something like it. Either that or, you know, to just soldier through my OCD and get back to work.

Graph of the Day

Vince Dietrick

So, I went to see the Vin Diesel movie, The Pacifier, and it's terrible.

Now, the only reason I wanted to see it, really, was because of how much I liked Suburban Commando.

Anyway, The Pacifier is very disney. They ruined it to the MAX. My comment walking out of the theatre was something like "Vin Diesel is going to be angry when he finds out what that Vince Dietrick guy is doing to his reputation". Simply because I like Vin Diesel too much to place him, in my mind, in The Pacifier. So, 1984 style, I'm rewriting history. The Pacifier starred Vin's evil half-brother, Vince Dietrick. It is true because I said so!

Marathon

AMC has a Rocky Marathon this week. Last night was Rocky IV with Dolph Lundgren. You know, Ivan Drago, the Siberian Express?

The best part is where Ivan says "He is not a man... He is like a piece of iron".

Or the part where Ivan strangles the politburo guy.

And let's face it, that whole crowd that was chanting "Rocky... Rocky" toward the end? They were all in a gulag within 36 hours.

Also, I hate 80's music. At least most of what Rocky says sounds like he's brain damaged. You know, from getting hit in the head a lot.

I'll take Swords for 500

This article on swords from Mikey.

Nagi's prediction: The guy with the Katana takes a point in the chest, then cuts through that silly european's sword, arm, and torso in one swipe. Unless it's a quick-draw match, in which case he's not even goin to take a point in the chest.

Welcome Home, Comrade

We all remember the tragic tale of Giuliana Sgrena, that reporter for Italian communist newspaper il Manifesto, right?

For those of you who don't follow "the news", I'll sum up. She was captured by insurgents in Iraq some time ago. The Italian government paid a ransom of, last I heard, 10-13 million dollars for her release, ensuring that more journalists will be kidnapped in the future. After her release, she was speeding toward the airport in a car with some Italian secret service agents, when they came across a US roadblock. The American soldiers flashed lights, waved arms, yelled, fired warning shots, and ultimately fired into the car's engine to get them to slow down and stop. One of the Italian secret service agents was killed.

Sgrena has released a series of lies that serve to, well, look, you all know what kind of respect I have for a sheet like il Manifesto to begin with, but... come on.

She's said the car was fired on by a tank, and riddled with "hundreds" of bullets. That there were so many bullets in the car that she was picking them up off the rear seat.

WRONG ANSWER. If a tank fires at your car, your car isn't going to keep moving. It's especially not going to look like this.

Also, anyone picked up a bullet after it's been fired? They're warm. You don't want to pick up warm bullets. Also, if there were hundreds of rounds fired in that car, and only 1 of the 4 occupants died... unlikely, but maybe it's possible. So, once again, look at the car.

If that's what a car looks like after being shot at hundreds of times by US soldiers, I think it's time for us to upgrade from rubber band guns to something more substantial.

Look, I don't want to make fun of the loss of life that's happened here. It's tragic that a man died as a result of this incident, but even if I wasn't going to put the blame on Sgrena's shoulders before the started lying about the incident, I certainly do now.

Apparently in the ride in to Baghdad, she was seated with a journalist who was a US Army embedded reporter. The reporter told Sgrena that she should get protection from the US forces, but Sgrena wasn't worried - she made clear that she hates America and supports the insurgents. Since she was a fan of the "home team", she wasn't worried.

I'm guessing she hasn't changed her mind.

Now after she's accused the Americans of targeting her in some sort of assassination mission, we hear from US soldiers that they had orders to search for her since US forces became aware of her capture. American men and women were kicking down doors, putting their own lives in danger to rescue this idiot, and when a man dies as a result of her carelessness and lack of foresight, and her government's lack of a spine, she demeans the people who were trying to save her life.

Good work comrade. America isn't real fond of you, either.

Information for this story gathered from LGF, Boortz, and assorted other news sources. Your mileage may vary, offer void in Leningrad.

Update: Thanks to Bourbon for this link, which says a lot of what I just said, only with better documentation and verbage. Just in case you're one of those people who thinks I'm playing fast and loose with the facts.

Autostruck

I seem to be a magnet for getting hit by cars, while in crosswalks. So, I'm going to start keeping track. Way down there on the right side, you can see the "Auto Incident" tracker, which I'll update as events unfold.

Note this is only incidents while I'm on foot, or possibly bicycle. Car-to-car incidents, if one should happen (God forbid), I'll make a new icon for.

Here's the key:
Near Miss
Struck by Car

The drugs I need

The words to this thing

First posted by Bourbon

* you've got a headache
* and I've got some strange disease
* don't worry about it
* this pill will set your mind at ease
* it's called progenitorivox
* it's made by squabmerlco
* it's a life enhancing miracle
* but there are some things you should know
*
* it may cause
* agitation, palpatations, excessive salivation,
* constipation, male lactation, rust-colored urination,
* hallucinations, bad vibrations, mild electric shock sensations
* but it's worth it for the drugs I need
*
* my disease may not be fatal
* but I can ease my fears
* by taking 2 12 dollar pills
* each day for 50 years
* they've spent millions to convince me
* so now I realize
* progenitorivox
* beats diet and exercise
* I've got insurance
* at least for now I do
* and if I buy generic
* it would cut my cost in two
* but I want progenitorivox
* 'cause I saw it on TV
* those families look so functional
* that paisley pill's for me
*
* but it may cause
* deprivation, humiliation, debtor's prison and deportation
* dark depictions, dire predictions, life as seen in Dickens' fictions
* empty pockets, court dockets, may cause eyes to pop from sockets
* but it's worth it for the drugs I need
* but it's worth it for the drugs I need
*
* [to "oh canada music"]
* In canada, they get this for a song
*
* but it's worth it for the drugs I need
*
* [voiceover]
* the opinions expressed in this song are not necessarily those of squabmerlco
* or its subsidiaries. Progenitorivox is not available anywhere. Offer void
* in wisconsin. Any resemblance to any actual drugs, living or dead, is
* purely coincidental. Any unauthorized use of your own judgement in the
* application of progenitorivox is strictly prohibited. Progenitorivox may not
* be preproduced without the express written consent of major league baseball.
* Progenitorivox may cause drowsiness or restlessness in lab animals. Do not
* resume sexual activity while operating heavy machinery without consulting your
* physician. For erections lasting longer than 4 hours, insert your own joke
* here. If you experience psychotic episodes, you are crazy. If death occurs,
* discontinue use of progenitorivox immediately. If symptoms persist, consult your
* physician. All sales final, batteries not included.

Kitchenette Horror!

So, I was loading a branch, which takes some time, and decided to top off my water bottle, since I was down to 1/3 or so. Note that this was my third bottle (20oz) from our water cooler for the day.

As I approach the kitchenette (which is just a few steps from my office), I noticed strange smell. Then I see a few of the staff cleaning out the water dispenser. Then I see the green paper towels. We had some sort of infestation, possibly an alien mold created to subjugate all of mankind, growing in our water cooler. And all morning I've been thinking "man, that italian food I had last night is kicking me right in the tract". Turns out it's the 60 or so ounces of ALIEN TREACHERY I've had to drink.

Make no mistake, the Deer Park water company is a front for an evil alien conglomerate, with the goal of bending your tract to its dark will. I'm guessing they're also in cahoots with taco bell. Once they control the tracts of all the office workers, can mastery of the human race be far behind?! Save the world: have a coke!

Dear Deer Park Water,

I took an image off your website and added some funny text. Please don't sue me. I'd like to make clear that I enjoy your water, and drink 1-2 gallons of it every day. The events described in the body of this post (the ones that aren't made up) are certainly not the fault of Deer Park water or its friendly water delivery staff. Also, don't sue.

<3,
Naginata

Lazy Nagi Roundup

So, here's what I've done for the last few weeks, in no particular order:

--Went to Colorado Springs for a business meeting. Got a nice tour of the Air Force academy, including a modified Corvette engine with 3200 HP. That's not a typo! Sadly, I misunderestimated a certain cadet's graduation time, and thought she was already gone, when in fact, she's still there. I should have dropped her a line and gone to visit, but oh well.

Also, the USAFA cadet chapel is... amazing. It's absolutely huge, and filled with strange but delicious candy. Pointy candy.

--Went skiing at nub's nob in Michigan. Favorite runs: Southern Comfort Glade, Arena Glade. Least favorite run: Powerline Glade. I dislike powerline, because it's shaped like this: L

Ok, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but it's about a 15 yard drop through trees that's just about vertical, and then it levels out to boring status really fast. Southern Comfort is probably the best - it's fairly steep, it's long, and the trees are well spaced. Arena, same thing, except a little different. The Pintail Glade, is also fun, but mixing moguls with trees is, you know, just a little past my skills. Or at least, it was before said weekend.

--Bought Xenosaga2. It's a delicious, delicious game, and when IGN said it doesn't have very good visuals, they were lying to you. It looks better than the first one.

About the combat system: you'll read about combos and breaks and say "well, that's interesting, but I'll just hit things until they die, that's what I like". Then you'll get to a fight called "Level 4", where you die 5 or 6 times in a row, in epic 30 minute battles. One of your good pals will suggest that you try using the combo system to do more damage. Then you'll kill him in 2-3 rounds, and you'll understand the power of the combat system. It's simple, unless you want it to be complex, then it's complex and delicious. Imagine a cadbury egg filled with thousands of tiny, delicious fighting robots.

---

Aside: it's snowing and 50 right now. Snowing REALLY HARD. Dear Nature, looks like you need Progenitorivox

Zang.

Amateur Theology

So, I recently took a trip to go skiing with some high school kids from the church I grew up in. It was good fun, but a funny thing happened on the lift... I was riding to the top of the hill with a couple of the kids, and also the Jr. High youth pastor. Now, I like the guy, but the conversation we had was sort of strange.

I present to you a "best guess" paraphrased re-creation in patented I said he said format.

... It's ok, I'm 24, I'm still believe I can live forever. I mean, come on, there's biblical precedent for not dying, right?

Yeah, but only one guy pulled that off, and you're not him

I'm pretty sure it was... what was his name, elijah or elisha, one of those, and then some other guy from the old testament... I'd have to look

No, I was talking about Jesus, he's the only man in history who didn't die

Actually, and I'm no theologian here, but I think Jesus DID die. I mean, that's sort of central

Well, yeah, but he defeated death, and rose again

... hey, we're at the top of the hill

I still like the guy but... come on. Reminds me of the story of the kid in sunday school who, when asked what kind of animal ran up trees and carried nuts in his cheeks started crying because "I think it's a squirrel, but the answer in sunday school is always jesus".

Comments

So, I decided to comment over here, because I'm also in DC, and find that blog to be hilarious, moreso because I'm HERE. Plus I know at least one single guy in DC, and well, even though I'm attached, I'd contribute a whiskey to KFA's evening just so that I could say I knew more than 3 people in this town.

Here's my comment:
I have nothing but sympathy. Thusfar I'm convinced there's approximately three Men (capital M) in this town. Ann Coulter, love her or hate her, has written EXTENSIVELY on the lack of manly men here. Something about the district just turns my half of the species into... something else.

I mean, my feeling is, if a woman thinks a bottle of jack is the first step or two toward a romantic evening, and the man disagrees, it's time for him to re-evaluate just why he has a penis in the first place.

Anyway, look at the 4th comment. Or don't, I'll get it for you:
OMFG! Can I be more twitterpated by your hilarity and gall? Can I be more flabbergasted by his juxtaposed suave-juvenility? (And doesn't the acronym OMFG just sum it all up? yeah, equally hilarious and suave and juvenile and gall-taking to use...OhMuhFuckinGawd... of long island fame.) -- alyssum

Now then, I THINK that's directed toward me. At least, a reading of my comment on that blog certainly fits her criteria. I wasn't going to say anything, because if you can't say anything nice, dot dot dot... but I decided to compromise and make fun of her here rather than over there. Even if it's not directed at me, let me say the following:

The word-of-the-day calendar is meant to be read ONE DAY AT A TIME. Looks like you tore off 4 or 5 pages at once. If you want to bloviate about your verbosity, that's fine, you can ruminate to the utmost on your own blog. Furthermore, if you're going for some sort of MAX_LITERATE entry, try to make it readable. Adding big words to bad grammar does not a good paragraph make.

Anyway, that's all I had to say. If you're going to insult someone on this blog, at least, I expect you to make it clear who you're insulting, and to use clear language to do so. That comment just gave me another opportunity to lay down more rules (that I'll break later).