Naginata

Overstock.com Messiah

So I now have 3 copies of crappy dune, 2 of which Overstock.com has sent me accidentally. This time, the customer service drone did not offer to send me the correct product - since they've sent me the wrong thing twice, and the "right thing" is no longer searchable on their site (though, the link in my previous post still works), they offered to give me a coupon for the original price of the product.

I informed them that that was bullshit, and I gotta tell you, she didn't seem all that suprised to hear it. I insisted that I get the product that I ordered in the first place, and still have the link/order number for. She offered me the coupon again, and assured me that they have a large inventory of blah blah blah... but I want Dune. I've never used overstock.com before, but I have used some OTHER dvd-by-interweb services, and so far, overstock.com is the only one batting zero.

So, she told me that she could send a note over to "the warehouse" to refund my price. I told her that would be fine, and then made her read me the note to make sure that the details were correct... they were not. Apparently in this particular CSD's little world, Lynch never made a movie called "Dune", there is only different versions of the miniseries.

Long story short, I'll be hearing from their customer service department via email in the next 47 hours and 50 minutes saying "we've credited your account" or "your Lynch Dune is on the way", or I'm going to kick it up a notch.

Here's the executive summary: never, ever order anything from overstock.com. And I now have 2 sealed, wrapped copies of miniseries dune, if anyone wants one. Or both.

Overstock.com

So I ordered a movie from Overstock.com last week, burning up the last of the mad money from mazda before it expires, and they sent me the wrong thing.

Specifically, they sent me Dune instead of Dune. That's unacceptable... not only because I the first one is vastly inferior to the second one, but because I already own the first one. Yes, in a moment weakness I broke down and bought the Sci-fi Dune. On the upside, it was like 10 bucks. Also, I maintain to this day that the Children of Dune miniseries (which I owned before) is VASTLY superior to the Dune miniseries - the quality of the sequel duped me into buying the original.

Anyway, I called them, and the first response is "oh yeah, I got an email from you, did we send you the wrong Dune again?" That's when alarm sirens start going off. My response: "No, this is the first time you've sent me the wrong Dune."

They don't accept returns. So he gave me a credit on my account for the amount of Dune, and now is sending me a copy of the good Dune. And I can't send back the miniseries - having watched it, I wouldn't let me send it back either. Ugh. It would have been almost OK if it weren't for the gay gay hats. And accents. And costumes. And horrible acting. At least Paul looks progressively cooler as the movie goes on... so he almost looks like Muad'Dib, when you get to the Children miniseries.

Short version: Stay on my goodside. Someone I don't like is going to get the Dune miniseries for christmas.

I want to be a protest marcher

This would be my sign:

Or maybe, if I could march in the middle of a pack of college-age girls, I would just carry a huge "Streetwalkers for Saddam" banner.

10 things

Inspired by a list over at ghani's

Nagi's Ten Things to Say to A Man (or just Naginata) to Get Anything You Want:
(note - some of these are going to look familiar, if you're a ghani reader...)

1. "You've either lost weight or bulked up your arms and shoulders."
2. "Do you want me to go pick up the Chinese?" -- I couldn't think of anything to make this one better!
3. "I really think that ____ is ____, but I want to hear your opinion too."
4. "I got you this video game, let's play it together."
5. "I'm so proud of you." -- perfection!
6. "Well, then have a nap. I'm just going to watch the game, you can rest your head on my lap." -- hair-playing-with gets double bonus points
7. "I know you can beat them up, but they're beneath your effort. I'll tell you if they piss me off again."
8. "/tell quellious.naginata I think I figured this game out" -- if you don't get that one, don't worry about it.
9. "I'm really lucky"
10. "Matt Damon is a LOT hotter than Ben Affleck"

And now, the fun list!

Nagi's 10 things to ensure your man will despise everything about you...
And because I'm all about helping the wimins out, each one a 1. man's inner thoughts and a 2. suggested correction to go with it!

1. "I'll be sexy only after I lose X pounds"
   
   1. sexy is a state of mind, and you have lost your triptic and run out of gas on the way there
   2. You wouldn't mind if I lost X pounds, would you?
   
   
2. "She's so much prettier than I am, don't you think?"
   
   1. Yes, and I'm going to be thinking about her when we're having sex later.
   2. Yeah, she's pretty hot... but you know, she craps every day
   
   
3. "Video games are for children."
   
   1. so are mind games, but you have no problem playing those!
   2. So, what's the story behind this game, anyway?
   
   
4. "Hugh Grant is so hot"
   
   1. No, he's just written that way!... and we are NEVER going to another one of his movies, ever
   2. Thanks for taking me to see (chick flick), I know you don't like them. We'll go see something with explosions next time.
   
   
5. "Oh, whatever you want, I don't care" (response from me) "Ugh, well not THAT"
   
   1. Oh, well, let's play 20 questions then!
   2. Well, there's X, Y, and Z... I'm throwing out Y, so pick X or Z
   
   
6. "I wonder if that guy has a girlfriend"
   
   1. If he doesn't, I've got one he can have
   2. Do you think that guy's gay, or just a desperate loser? (nicer version: That guy's almost as cute/hot as you are. - does not matter if this is an OBVIOUS lie. Though, in that case, adding "and I bet he's a real jerk" on the end can help)
   
   
7. "whatever"
   
   1. Whatever, eh? In that case, where's my playstation...
   2. (Anything is better than one-word versions of "I don't care, but I bet I can frustrate you")
   
   
8. "You made such an ass out of yourself last night" (when it's undeserved. When it's deserved, feel free to let this one fly!
   
   1. Yeah, and you made such a bitch out of yourself 5 seconds ago
      
   2. I didn't know you were such a party animal... you're going to have to buy them something nice to get invited back
   
   
9. "I can't believe you spent that much money on a car"
   
   1. I can't believe I spent that much money on you
   2. I would never buy a car this nice... but can I sit in the drivers seat and rev the engine?
   
   
10. "You spend too much time on the computer"
    
    1. You spend too much time in the bathroom
    2. I know you like playing video games, but let's go do (wholesome activity) instead today
    
    

Caving

Someone just sent me this caving story. If you've seen it before, and know "the details", and can "clear up" some things about the ending for me, please comment below. If you haven't read it... warning: it may disturb you.

Musical Suggestions

The Pepsi Gods have smiled on me[0], so I'm looking for 3+ songs from iTunes to download. Since I can't think of anything, I'm going to ask you all for some suggestions. Keep in mind that I'm probably not going to buy any albums here... but that's the only qualification I'll make. There's not one genre of music from which I dislike all songs, so the floor is open. What sounds good?

[0] - me and my ability to look at the cap before I open the bottle

Hatamoto

I just finished reading Shogun by James Clavell

First of all, I really like this book. Clavell does a lot of things very, very well in this book, and doesn't waste any of the opportunities presented by the setting and style of the book. There are parts of the book that seem written for film - some parts just grab your imagination and won't let go. After one particularly exciting section about a "race" at sea between the hero Blackthorne and his nemesis (one of them, anyway) Rodrigues, I felt like I had just seen them on the big screen. It's good every once in a while to be reminded that books can be much, much more engaging than even the best movies.

In the first part of the book, Blackthorne struggles just to communicate with the Japanese lords whose political struggles he finds himself near the center of. Clavell does an amazing job of communicating this difficulty to the reader, using a couple different techniques. He starts by alternating perspectives - one section will be written from the perspective of Blackthorne, and then the next from that of Lord Yabu or Omi or one of the other samurai. The effect is that you are, temporarily, in the shoes of a stranded englishman, unable to understand why the japanese around you are frustrated, or in the sandals of a samurai, unable to tell this smelly barbarian why you want him to bathe.

As the two come to some sort of understanding, Clavell uses other techniques - there's one point where he writes out a whole paragraph as one of the samurai wants to speak it, and then summarizes it as "thank you" - all the portuguese that the samurai could muster. Similarly, the japanese can't understand why Blackthorne (an english christian) hates the catholic (portuguese, mostly) priests that act as traders and interpreters across the land. They have great difficulty understanding how some christians can be at war with some other christians, and it takes the samurai a long time to grasp the political situation between England and Portugal.

As the communication failures become less and less critical through the use of interpreters and eventually Blackthorne learning to speak Japanese, the novel transitions into something else - part romance, part action, part political thriller. It's interesting to me how much what I read in the novel is present in what I know of japanese culture. Understanding the character's motives is complicated - it seems that every character (except maybe Blackthorne) has at least 3 levels of agendas, at least 2 of which are secret, and some of which conflict with each other.

Ultimately, Blackthorne is pretty well japanified, to the point of being disgusted when he encounters his own shipmates in their home amongst the underclass - drunk, filthy, and crude. His internal struggles, the difficulty that he has resolving the conflict between Pilot Blackthorne and Hatamoto Anjin-san, are amazing to read, and leave you wondering how he'll deal with returning home, if he ever can.

Short version: Read the book.

Long version: No, seriously, go read it. Now.

Republicans for Sharpton!

I am not a Republican. This site, however, I fully support. Go Sharpton!

Fine, I'll post it

I showed this to a few people, and most of them told me it was blog-worthy material. I disagree, but who am I to resist popular opinion. Warning: it's VERY long and VERY stupid. Without further adieu, I give you Jorge I: Enter the Steve

OMG OMG OMG

So I went downtown, and there was this policeman on a horse and he was carrying a pink box with some roses inside or maybe it was just chocolate roses I don't know really.

So I walked over to him and I'm like "hey can you give me some directions" and the cop was like "Sure, I can help you" and I was like "I wasn't asking you, asshole! STFU!" And then he got an attitude and started hitting me with the flowers, so I ran off.

I went down this alley and made sure that the horse and the cop weren't following me, and this old chinese man comes out of a door to the right (I think it's a chinese restraunt). He's all scowling at me and I'm like "Hey old chinese man, can I get some directions." And he's all like "First, you pre-heat oven to 350." And I'm all like "STFU OMG!" This old chinese woman comes out of the door behind him and she's all like "You rooka very tense, you come inside, have nice chinese food and tea".

I was kind of hungry, so I went into the chinese restraunt and the only available chair in the place was at this table with this strange glowing ball on it, like a fortune teller or something, but I'm like "ok, whatever", so I sat down and she brought me some tea and some fried rice. So I ate the rice and drank the tea, and she brought me some General Tso's Chicken. I'm all like "why do they call this General Tso's Chicken? Who the hell is General Tso anyway".

Then the ball starts glowing and stuff and I almost peed myself cuz this chinese guy appears in the ball and he's like "Dude, STFU, I put down the Taiping rebellion in the 1860s. I executed my enemies with the death of a thousand cuts!" So I was like "ok, thanks for the chicken General" and he's all like "Yeah, they actually invented that in new york" and I'm all like "Ok, then thanks for nothing!" and he's like "Hey, you want to hear a story? I don't get to talk much" And I'm like "sure" so he's like "ok, what do you want to hear?"

So this list of stories appears on the globe and he's like "you just pick an opening from column A, and a middle from column B and an ending from column C. That was a little too strange for me, so I punched the globe right off the table - tea makes me edgy - and asked for a takeout box. I walk right out the front door of the restraunt, trying to remember what I was looking for, when I see this hoarde of a thousand or so chinese peasants running down the street toward me with swords and rifles and stuff, and leading the charge is that damn cop and his horse. The horse looks at me and yells "You killed General Tso! You bastard!". And I'm like "WTFEver dude, he died in 1885!" and the horse is like "Your Mom died in 1885!"

So then they start shooting at me, so I ran away from them and into another alley and one of the bastards shot me in the leg, but it was one of those movie wounds, and my mutant healing factor kicked in anyway, so I knew I was going to be fine.

So I'm in this alley with a horde of chinese men and a cop on a talking horse coming after me and I knew I had to think fast. I see this ladder from a fire escape hanging down, so I jumped up on a dumpster then jumped and grab the ladder and pulled myself up and at the top there's this pretty girl and she's all like "WTF are all those chinese guys doing?" and I'm like "Um, they're not with me" and the horse yells "Don't believe his lies! He is the one! Kill him!" so I'm about to the top of the ladder and I yell back to the horse "STFU, No one liked Memento except me and you, horse".

Then all the chinese guys are waving their guns again, and I guess they were out of ammo or something, because they weren't shooting, or maybe they didn't want to hit the girl but that doesn't make sense because I hear in china they shoot girls or whatever because girls suck. So I ask the girl if I can use her phone, because I need to call someone, and she's like "ok, but you'll have to get past the phonekeeper" and I'm like "wtf?" but I needed to use the phone, so I just went into the door behind her, and there's this normal living room, and the TV is on, and she's watching an old episode of kung fu or something, so of course I wanted to do her.

But I look for the phone, and the kitchen is right off that room, and the phone is on the wall, and it's one of those damn rotary kind, with the spinny thing in the middle, but I think I can handle it. But then I notice this midget standing against the wall next to the phone, and he's holding this big stick and he's all like "I AM THE PHONEKEEPER. NONE SHALL USE THE PHONE!"

And I'm all like "dude, you have a really deep voice for a midget" and he's like "I AM THE PHONEKEEPER. NONE SHALL USE THE PHONE." so I'm like "so, do I have to tell you my favorite color, or is this the one where I cut all your limbs off?" and he's like "I AM THE PHONEKEEP.." and I cut him off like "I get it, OMG STFU!"

So I see this spatula sitting on the counter, and I grab it, and hold it out like a sword and I'm like en garde or whatever, so he grabs his stick, and he's going to fight me and I'm like "Dude, you're a midget. I bet I could toss you like 20 yards" and he's like "I AM THE PHONEKEEPER. NONE SHALL USE THE PHONE"

So I lunge at him with the spatula, and he hits me on the leg with the stick and I'm thinking "man, this midget is annoying" so I tell him "hey, I actually don't want to use the phone, I'm just here to... um... to uh, use the... not the phone... the other thing. You know, the... um, the... I'm just here to get a drink" and he's like "COOL, MY NAME IS STEVE. WE HAVE VANILLA PEPSI AND DIET SPRITE" well that threw me into this blind rage so I grabbed him around his neck and strangled him dead and about then the woman comes back in and she's all like "Thank God, I haven't been able to use the phone for like 2 months" and I'm like "so, you like kung-fu, huh?" and she's like "yes, do you like kung fu?" and i'm like "yeah, it's the pwn" and she's all like "my loins are burning for you" so I thought about doin her right there, but I had more important things to do so I'm like "I'll be back later, sweetcakes"

So I picked up the phone and I called the police and I'm like "Yeah, there's a bunch of chinese pro-life protesters down at the planned parenthood on... um... you know, like a block from the Number One Best China Wok restraunt? Yeah, they've got rifles and shit, and I think they're going to torch the place" and the dispatcher's like "I'll send 4 units over right away" and I'm like "you sound pretty hot" but she had already hung up, so I ask the lady of she has any sugar cubes and she's like "yeah, they're on the counter there" and I'll be damned if there wasn't a whole pile of sugar cubes, so I grabbed a handful and told her I'd see her later and she's like "If you come back, I'll be all up ons".

So I went out the front door, I knew I had to be quick, and I saw the mob standing around outside the alley, and I yelled "Hey, do you chinese people root for the Red and Yellow knight when you go to Medieval Times? Cuz, you know, you're... yellow and... you're all communi" well they got the idea by then, so they started running after me, and the horse trampled a few of em coming toward me, he was pissed.

So I ran down the street toward the planned parenthood and start throwing sugarcubes in the air behind me, and the horse is gaining and I know he's catching some of them from the air, cuz horses love sugar cubes. So the horse is like "man, these sugar cubes are teh roxxor, I'm ditching this cop" so he throws the cop off and I'm all like "hey, I got some more sugar cubes if you help me out" so the horse is like "word" and we had a gain on the chinese mob so I jumped on the horse's back and we charge right into the front door of the planned parenthood and I see the cops coming from the other direction outside.

So the woman in the planned parenthood is like "you can't have horses in here" and I'm all like "Um, me and the horse are lovers, how dare you deny me my right to love whoever I want" and the horse is like "wtfever dude, I'm not gay" and the woman's like "OMG! A talking..." and then she fainted, so I don't know what she was going to say.

So I get off the gay horse and he runs into the back of the place, and I think the sugar cubes had like, some LDS in them or something, cuz the horse is kinda wobbly on his feet. Anyway, these women start screaming in the back, but I'm more worried about the chinese, cuz it looks like there's some kind of gun-battle going on outside between the chinese an the police, so I run out the front door so I can get the cops to protect me from the chinese guys, and this cop shot me in the shoulder as I come out and I'm like "WTF dude, I'm not chinese!"

So I'm going to sue that cop, does anyone know a good lawyer?

Black History What?

So we went to McDonalds today for lunch (not my choice!)... they're still using up all the "black history month" placemats. The mats themselves are a neat design, covered with various slogans that, I suppose, are supposed to be "empowering", and statistics on jobs held by black people (X black executives, Y black firefighters and so on). The one little thing that seemed to be amiss was that right in the middle they say "I am black 365". One can only assume that they mean 365 days.

But 2004 is a leap year.

So watch for, one day this year (my money is on december 31st) all black people to wake up white.

...

And you can insert my usual rant about how group-based identities and rights are stupid here. I'd do it myself, but I just don't have the strength today.

Dollars and Sense

Ok, I recently moved from one city to another city a little closer to work... I got my final bill from the former city utility company over the weekend. With my deposit factored in, I owed them a balance of $0.04.

Woman: "[Old Town] Municipal Utilities"

Me: "Hi, I got this bill for $0.04, do I really have to pay it? Because... I mean, come on, it's 4 cents"

Woman: "*laughing* 4 cents? That's great, let me transfer you to customer service"

Customer service: "How can I help you"

Me: "Yeah, I got a bill for $0.04, do I have to pay it?"

Customer service: "What's your account number" ... "Oh, yes Mr. Naginata, I see a balance of 4 cents on your account, how can I help you?"

Me: "It's 4 cents. I moved out of Town lately, and, well, it's 4 cents. I'd rather not waste the stamp, if you can just write it off, or mark it payed, or whathave you."

Customer service: "Well, if you could just have someone in town drop it off, or you could drop it off sometime when you're in town, that would be great"

Me: "It's 4 cents. It will cost you more than 4 cents to process my payment. Heck, it will cost you more than 4 cents to replace the heat lost when I open the door to come in your building to give you the 4 cents"

Customer service: "Oh, don't worry about it, you've got 3 months to pay your final bill"

Me: "It's 4... nevermind."

Customer service: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Me: "No, thank you, you've done enough" *click*

So, I got the final bill, along with the pre-final-bill showing my balance of $50.04 before they made the -50 adjustment for my deposit, taped em together, and then taped 4 pennies to the inside of the mess. I thought about putting in a nickel, and a request for change, but they'd probably do it, just to keep teh books square. I wasn't about to waste a check on them, but a stamp, so that someone has the joy of removing 4 pennies from a few layers of scotch tape? well worth it.

I bet you 4 cents that whoever gets the bill just marks it paid and throws the pennies away.

So I go upstairs to mail the thing, and I need to buy a stamp. Fortunately, we have one of those mail-o-majigs, or whatever they're called, that does the cool meter stamps and all, you just have to put cash into an enevelope, it's very honor-system-ey, and envelopes are free if you don't mind your return address being company_01.

I go to put my money in the envelope and what do I find in my pocket? 1 quarter, 1 dime, 1 nickel.

The saga continues.